Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Men and remote controls

What is it with men and the TV remote?

I have tried without success to understand what it is that attracts men to remote controls, especially the TV remote. A lot of men (my husband, the king of them all) find the remote control so irresistible. Once he steps into the living room he goes straight for the remote and  for the entire period he spends there I'll have to kiss the remote goodbye. 
The fact that they confiscate the remote for the next couple of hours is not really the problem, it is the fact that they are incapable of staying on a channel for more than a micro second. I often wonder how they satisfy that desire to watch a programme on TV ( except the sports channel, if there is some championship or tournament then the TV stays on that channel forever)

I thought I was in this alone until I heard other women complain about the same problem. I have also discovered this is not a problem with men alone but with the entire male gender and they start so young. Its almost as if they have a secret gene passed from father to son and has continued for generations unbroken and unnoticed by women. 
Some women have succeeded in getting some remote time while others like myself have given up. As long as I get to watch my favorite programmes, of which i'll have to announce several times for all to hear, he can run around the channels for as long as he pleases.

I have tried and tried to keep the remote away from him and have discovered it is impossible to keep him away from the remote. Men just light up at the mere sight of a remote control and once they get their hands on it they are like a kid let loose in a candy store, they just can't stop.

Ladies, we need to do something about this and fast,  maybe declare a ladies remote control day each week, when no male is allowed to get close to the remote.
what do you think?

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

How your self esteem can affect your relationship

A person's self esteem goes a long way to determine how they relate with and are perceived by people. Low self esteem is very unhealthy for any relationship, be it marriage, courtship, family or just an ordinary friendship. We all feel low or inadequate sometimes but when a person constantly feels he/she is not good enough or can never do anything right then it becomes a problem and sure enough will affect the way they act and relate.

How you feel inside is usually reflected in your words and actions, so if you constantly feel inadequate then you would always seek other people's approval and usually won't  deal well with compliments. Eventually your confidence level drops so much you may even become depressed.

In any relationship, we love to know the other party is someone that is capable of making their own decisions and holding their own. Confidence is the one thing everyone needs in any relationship. It shows you have your own personality and are comfortable in your own skin. Being clingy and always seeking the other party's approval can be annoying and a turn off for most people.

To fix a low self esteem, you have to be ready to honestly examine yourself. Identify what the issues are with you. What are the things that you feel most negative about? Is it a part of your body?  Culture, education etc. try to accept and embrace who you are, concentrate on the positives and not the negatives. What are the things that make you happy? Do them most often and don't do things because other people are doing them, do things because you genuinely want to.

Finally, love who you are, other people cannot love you if you don't love yourself first and if you love yourself you would do things that would make you happy which would be reflected in your everyday life and ultimately your relationship.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Love or Possession

How do you know if it is love or possession? It is easy to confuse one for the other. 
I like to describe possessiveness as a desire to completely own and control. And when it has to do with another human being, to own and control all or most aspects of that person's life.

A lot of people are guilty of this especially at the beginning of a relationship, mostly because they are still getting to know each other and don't yet completely trust each other. Even at this stage it is not an excuse to be possessive and does not in any way show love.

This feeling of possessiveness must never be confused for love or being protective, it is totally different from those two. If someone loves you they would let you make your own decisions, they would give you your space, they would not question your every move or go through your calls to know who you 'be been communicating with and so on. Infact true love is setting that person free believing and trusting that they would make the right decisions for themselves and being there to pick them up when they fail.

Possessiveness in a relationship is very unhealthy and if not addressed can have very terrible consequences. With possessiveness comes jealousy and often times violence follows. I saw a true life  program on TV a few days ago in which a groom stabbed his bride to death a few hours after their wedding because he saw her chatting with his cousin and got jealous. This chat with his cousin was not even going on privately, it was in full view of everyone, the wedding guests were still around. She was actually trying to hook up her cousin who told her she liked him. Now what is wrong with that? We all do that all the time. Her husband saw them talking, got upset and stabbed her to death and she was still in her wedding dress with their few months old baby in a crib nearby. 
Nobody wants to end up this way but it happens.

Before going into a marriage, any signs of possessiveness has to addressed because it usually gets worse. If you still don't feel comfortable it is best you end the relationship before it becomes abusive because it definitely will.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Early Marriage Blues

Ashley and John got married about a year ago. At first, things went on well. They made long term plans like any other couple. But lately Ashley thinks John has changed. He doesn't spend as much time with her as he used to, his temper is so short and they seem to argue over everything, he leaves his clothes all over the place and when she complains he flays up and tells her she is nagging him. She feels he has changed so much, he is not the wonderful, loving and understanding man she married. She doesn't want to say she regrets getting into the marriage but that is how she feels. She wants to keep loving him but she is beginning to hate him and is wondering what she got herself into. Divorce? No, she doesn't want that, even though it creeps into her mind once in a while. She is so depressed and unhappy and wants to fix this but how can she when her attempts always turn into another senseless argument. This is so difficult.

"He has changed" or "She has changed". These words are so common in the early years of marriage. It makes you wonder if there is any couple that did not mutter these words in their early years of marriage. 
The first few years of marriage can be difficult because you are still learning a lot about living together as a married couple. You are gone past the butterfly feelings of dating and courtship, the excitement of the wedding and the fantasy of the honeymoon, next stop, reality and it just hits you without any warning, if you are unprepared it may hit so hard that you may not be able to handle it and down goes your marital bliss. 
A lot of couples experience what Ashley is experiencing in the first few years of their marriage because most times couples don't get enough information, preparations and direction before going into a marriage. They often go in thinking the fantasy of the honeymoon will continue. They have to be told about the realities of marriage. There will be misunderstandings, how do you handle them when they occur? Both of you were raised in different homes, picked up different habits while growing up, had different friends, react differently to situations. Considering all these factors and the fact that you have to live with each other and see each other everyday, you see it requires more work than you thought, right? But there is a way out, communication....

The Beauty of Communication

The usefulness of this tool in marriage cannot be over emphasised. Learn to communicate your feelings properly and you'll find that the misunderstandings and arguments will be considerably reduced. While communicating your feelings, do not confuse them with your thoughts or judgement. Always say what you feel, how a certain thing makes you feel and not what you think or try to accuse or judge  him/her. Express how you feel in the most loving way you can and don't aim to win. You are not at war.
After you have spoken, give him/her a chance to speak and while they speak, listen attentively to what they have to say, do not interrupt and do not ask unnecessary questions. Be quick to apologise when you are wrong and even quicker to accept an apology and forgive.

I suggest that Ashley tries to have a conversation with john tell on a day he is in a good mood, maybe on a weekend, when both of them are likely not stressed from work. She should tell him how she feels and try to not judge him as he may be going through the same changes that she is going through and would not know unless he opens up to her. Trying to communicate with him the right way will surely get him to open up and hopefully it will be a step in the right direction. Both should be honest with each other and actively work towards maintaining a healthy marital relationship.